“I can’t believe you got two whole children.” My sister says.
“If anyone had told you that you would have two children, you would have said it’s a lie.” Is another common comment. My life today surprises even me. I saw myself as a career person with neither a husband nor children. I was broken in places that I did not know. Were my troubles an echo of the question “do you want to be made whole?”

As a teen, I assumed this “I don’t need anybody” attitude. I thought I knew everything or I could get the knowledge I needed. I called myself a loner. Relationships were overwhelming, I tried to avoid them, I self-sabotage with phrases like “I just need to be alone or be by myself.”

This attitude served me well for a while. I have traveled to a few exotic places for work and technical training alone and had some incredible experiences. It didn’t bother me to pack up and go. One dream I had was to live in a country where I knew no one or even spoke the language (really? Yes, really). I thought I could show up as anyone, no expectations, and no one would judge me because they didn’t know me. Guess what? That dream came true, and I loved every minute of it. I finally showed up as me. I felt so free!

Let it go

Being able to leave as I please was all an adventure until this Ms. Independent attitude served me no longer…I had a child. Suddenly, I was unable to leave whenever I wanted to. There was no escape. I had to face my demons. And let go of what no longer served me. What was the problem?

Abandoned child

I was an emotional (or sensitive, or shy – labels) child, and I cried for everything. I did not understand the world or people. And I did not know how to manage my feelings. I blame no one for this. We are all just trying to survive. The people in my life did not understand and were ill-equipped to help me. My “strong feelings” which were negative emotions, went unchecked (neglected), and the only way I knew to express them was to cry. I was labeled “she loves to cry” rather than any attempt to get to the root of this issue. I felt very alone.

Over time, I began to embrace feeling alone. I started writing in journals – I found a way to express myself. I read books, and I imagined. Around that time, I found a list of scriptures that helped whenever I felt sad, frustrated, angry, or mad – the common negative emotions. I would read them and write in my journal, and I would talk to God (pray).

At school I was called a well-behaved child and even a teacher’s pet. This is not the usual result, many children become resistant and have other behavioral issues. Writing and praying were the outlets to express my feelings and they helped me. Some teenagers might begin experimenting with drugs, smoking, gangs, etc. these later become addictions. Falling into a negative emotional cycle can also become an addiction.

Although I felt alone, I was not lonely. I had friends, and I took part in many activities. I also did well academically, I loved the sciences (good grades are not the only indication that a child is doing well). But I wanted to be a writer. No one knew the real me. I tried to fit in (I did not know this at that time), with people who did not know me. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself and even God.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child

I build walls. Instead of trying to understand people or even myself. I was heavily guarded, cold and unloving. I thought, If the people close to me could not understand, why would anyone? Trust issues. Therefore, I intentionally stayed clear of developing very close relationships. I told myself that I would never marry or have children. Interestingly, I dated with no intentions for the relationships to last (the pack up and leave mentality). And so, the relationships would not last (self-sabotage).

This also cause unworthiness issues, some people become people pleasers, some never achieve their dreams or goals.

But when I became a man I put away childish things

God knows me, not because I would talk to Him (instead of people) all the time as a child but because He made me. He knows how I think. He knows what I would do in situations. You see, I like challenges, and I like to solve problems (analytical). So, after years of going on a path that was not my true path, God intervened. Although, he was always there controlling things and preparing me. And God intervened with what seemed like unsolvable problems – storms, that triggered negative emotions. I felt like I was a child again, I had to run to the only One who understands.

Tear the walls down

God began to unpack and rebuild, this is an ongoing process. I have wanted to run. But, to get to the life God has for me (the one I longed for) I needed to be steady in the storms. To be steady in the storm means, I need to be still and know; understand what matters most; forgive; be humble, be obedient, and set boundaries (not walls).

Storms did not come to harm you, they come to pass while flattening anything that was not meant to last. Be steady and watch God tear those walls down. God will fight for you, you only need to be still (Exodus 14:14).

My apology

So, I apologize to you if you know me, and I have hurt you. It wasn’t that I didn’t like you why I didn’t confide in you. You may have thought I did not value our friendship, that I didn’t care because I just got up and left for a new country or new life (over and over). You may think I am stand-offish, that I am miss-know-it-all, that I am selfish, and crazy too. Know that I love you, but that version of me was the product of an abandoned child.

I apologize for judging you. I don’t know what happened to you as a child that caused you to behave the way you do. Even you may not know or have forgotten.

Also, whenever you see children being resistant, misbehaving, or too quiet, instead of blowing them off, or neglecting how they feel, give them more love and attention. Resist the resistance. They will behave as if they don’t need you. They may break all your rules. Show them compassion and get to understand them. But I am not a therapist, so if negative behaviour persists, get the help you need.

Do you want to be made whole?

Many problems affect us as adults, some began when we were children. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) reports that at least one in six adults have experienced four or more adverse childhood events (trauma) that affects them in adulthood. Do not feel ashamed, it is not your fault. And if you are the one on other side neglecting a child’s feelings, do not feel guilty. You did the best you knew how to at that time. Resist the need to blame, complain or make excuses (that’s just the way I am), you will not heal that way.

If anything said here resonates with you, you may need to get help to unpack. But do not leave God out of the picture, because who the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36).

Thrive don’t just survive

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full,” (John 10:10). Don’t be mistaken, this is not about money or material things, it is about your soul. Do you want to be made whole?

So here I am with two whole children. And becoming my authentic self. Not because I sought these things, but because I sought God (who sought me) in the middle of the troubles. Life is not perfect, but I always know where my help comes from.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. but take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Are you going to wait until you have are unsolvable problems or storms? You know if you are unfulfilled. You may think, when I get the dream job, or get married, or have the children, or the dream house, or whatever… all my problems will be solved. Not that you should not fulfill your dreams, please do, but getting the dream will not solve the root cause of your problems. To get the life you truly desire, seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you (Matthew 6:33).