I used to be a sensitive person, I cried for the most trivial offense, and then I might not like you again, forever (laugh). Seriously, I would not speak to people because they made a simple remark that hurt me; I would not visit a store because a worker said something I did not like. Everything would offend me, and I did not know why. 

I have been attending church all my life, but I cannot recall hearing a sermon on forgiveness. I did not know what it was or what it meant. Sometime in my twenties, I heard of the word, but I never gave it much thought. After several years working without much passion for what I was doing, I began seeking meaning in life and looking within myself.

Forgiveness is an inside work that manifests outside

It was dark and murky on the inside. I felt very distant from who I thought I should be at that time. I had a lot of stress. It manifested through what seemed like unfortunate events that left me reeling with many questions. 

I felt stuck in this place, and I did not know how to get out. At the time, I was dating someone I was not sure I wanted in my life. I wanted it to end, but I did not know how. Eventually, we broke up, he betrayed me – not exactly what I expected, but this was the escape I needed. Even so, I felt angry. The thoughts kept coming: I should have known better; I should have left when I wanted; I knew it would not have worked. That was when I realized I had a lot of unforgiveness stored up in my heart towards myself and others.

I went on a journey about forgiveness. I read books, watched videos, spoke to people, I did just about everything. It did not make sense. Was I supposed to pretend people did not hurt me? I asked myself. No, I thought. So, what does it (forgiveness) mean?

I felt led to Matthew 6:5-15. In this chapter included the Lord’s Prayer that was familiar to me “… and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us,” Matthew 6:12. Yet…is that what we were always saying? I read further “… but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins,” Matthew 6:15. Say what? I knew I had done things to hurt others. I went down memory lane, and I began to sob. Is this why I am stuck? And all I could say while crying for what could be hours was I am sorry, I am sorry for this… and I am sorry for that…”

It felt like a weight lifted off me on that day. My soul began to heal. I wanted to show mercy and grace instead of getting back at people. I had learned the meaning of forgiveness.

God is working on our character

Every believer is hoping for something: a job, to get married, to have children, to start a business, for their children to be saved, for a ministry, etc. However, to get to the promise or a dream, we get to go through the wilderness (a dry period where nothing seems to go how you want). During this wilderness period, God is preparing you for the promise.

God is molding your character to become the image of Jesus Christ. Although the wilderness may seem like a difficult place, its purpose is to eliminate what could be holding you back (beliefs, impulses, mindsets, etc.) from the promise. One trait that God works on during this time is unforgiveness. You cannot get to the promised land without learning to forgive.

What is forgiveness?

The online Cambridge dictionary defined forgiveness as to stop blaming or being mad at someone for something that person has done or not punish them for something. This definition seems to place the focus on another person. Although you are forgiving another person, forgiveness is about and for you. It frees you. When you harbor unforgiveness, that person who hurt you controls your reactions and actions even without your knowledge.

What does the Bible say about forgiveness?

Throughout the scriptures are verses about forgiveness. Here are a few verses to ponder on

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Matthew 18: 21-22

“If you, Lord should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that you may be feared.” Psalm 130: 3-4

Most of these verses speak to our relationship with God: “Forgive each other, just as God forgave you.” It begins with God. Understanding how much God loves you gives you the grace to forgive others. It is humanly impossible to forgive everyone for everything they have done. But with God nothing is impossible. 

Hurt people, hurt people

Why do we hurt others, and why do they hurt us? We do not know or understand ourselves or what we are doing. We cannot truly know ourselves without God. “…It is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves.” Psalms 100:3. We live in a broken world, even when we have a relationship with God. And hurt people hurt people, even without knowing it most times. We are to live in the world but not be like the world or do things the way they do. Upon the cross, Jesus said, forgive them Father for they know not what they do.

Remember that you also need forgiveness

When I read Matt 6 that day, I remembered how imperfect I was and that I also needed forgiveness. Suppose I was not forgiven for so and so? I would ask myself. We are all imperfect; we need to extend grace to others. Also, look inside and figure out if we have been hard on ourselves, not forgiving ourselves for wrongs or mistakes. Perhaps this is why we are unable to forgive others.

Ok, forgive, but should we also forget?

Back then, I kept all the accounts of wrongs everyone did to me. I could name who, when, and where. This burden is unbearable for me or anyone. Love keeps no account of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:. I did not understand love and was also unable to understand forgiveness. Love and forgiveness are intertwined; there is no love without forgiveness and no forgiveness without love. Therefore, if love keeps no account of wrongs, it suggests that we should forget the hurt. This is easier said than done, and it is not automatic – it is a process. 

We do not forget. But when we forgive, it releases us from the prison of pain (the darkness). After going through the process of forgiveness, we learn the lessons, and sometimes we might forget many of the details. The other thing is that you can remember without hurting when you have gone through the process of forgiveness. You will know you have forgiven someone when you do not bring up the same hurt over and over (record of wrongs); you do not try to get revenge; when you do not hope that something bad will happen to them; when you let it go, and hope the best for them.

What if the person keeps hurting you over and over, am I still supposed to forgive?

Yes. As Jesus said, seven times seventy, this is not meant to be a definite number (490), but the concept is that you keep forgiving. Not because God wants you to be weak, or to condone it, but because we are commanded to do so. Further, it frees us and heals us. Let God have the last say because we all must give an account for our lives.

Forgiveness is the beginning of healing

After learning about forgiveness, I had many occasions that I had to forgive others and myself. However, within a few months of that year (when I first learned what forgiveness was), I got unstuck and began to pursue a childhood dream. I fulfilled that dream and have started others like this blog, writing a book, and many more. Forgiveness is the beginning of healing, and it will get you unstuck.